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Fuck I miss him.

It’s only been 19 hours. How the fuck am I going to last a month like this?

I’m a hormonal pregnant mess. I cried when I took the empty milk glass that was sitting in “his spot” to the sink. It was the only thing he left there and I had to clean it up. And now his spot is empty. And I’m crying again. UGH.



It’s for the best. It will make us better. It will make us more solid. And more grateful. It’s a great opportunity. It’s a dream he’s had for years. It’s so fucking important it makes me sick. But none of that matters when I’m lying in bed alone, feeling my baby girl kick and wishing I had his warm arms around me. His shoulder to lay my head on. His amazingly soft lips to kiss.


I hope they’re worth it.

I love them to death. I really do. I have since before they even knew I existed. They are the reason I pushed for this. They are the reason I think this is so important. I just hope they have a TINY clue. I hope they have empathy for me. I hope they appreciate this sacrifice – even if just for a fleeting moment.

This is in the top three hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I can’t really rank the three, but…

1) Giving my eldest son up for adoption.

2) Accepting my son back into my life after the passing of his adoptive mother/my aunt.

3) Sending my husband off for about four months (with two weeks to look forward to) to pursue his dream while I stay here with our three children (and one of the way) to wrap things up with our home and finances.

AND THIS WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER IF IT WERE JUST A SURE THING! But I can’t fucking get a loan. I’m owed near $14,000 – that I should of gotten nearly three years ago – and I can’t get a fucking loan for the $3,000 we desperately need in the next two weeks. $3,000 to pay off his last debt, to gain his freedom and set up his new home. WHY is that so hard? I can’t even sell the copier – our one real asset – to get close to that!

I take two showers a day and just sit under the water and try not to feel. I’m not motivated to get dressed or go out. I have THREE FUCKING KIDS THAT ARE RELYING ON ME. I feed them, and talk to them, and do all the things they NEED. But I should be doing more. I know I should.

It’s just hard.

And it’s only the first day.



So what’s next…?


We had a fabulous trip to FL. We told them about the pregnancy – they wanted a sister (and they got one!)…we stayed in a cabin, went to the mall, went mini-golfing and the beach…! Really connected with those gorgeous, brilliant girls. How I miss them! Sarie wanted us to move closer…and I soooo wanted to say yes! Why couldn’t that of happened in December, when it was actually possible?! Until then, we’ll write and send pictures… ❤

Pregnancy is going well. 22 weeks along – counting down the rest! Hehe. It is a GIRL! That makes two and two for me. Now to just decide on a name…!

Been scrapbooking a lot lately!!! Very exciting. I’m hoping Shannon sends me some of the girls baby pictures…and I have a few of Jake finally done. And lots of “family album” pics done!

I’ll be back soon…!

It’s always something


Poor Sarina is at the er for a bee sting. 😦

We’re headed down in a few days…nervous.

Don’t know how to break the pregnancy news.

Also, Sarie wants to “go to the mall with me.” …which sounds fab. Except for the fact that we were told they didn’t want to be alone with us, so we already bought them clothes. Is she Taking advantage or does she really wanna spend some time?

Wish this was easier…



So I never did post what happened with my step-daughters…

I ended up sending them a box of clothes. I’m just not comfortable sending cash! Hope they were happy. Sarie did call and say thank you, so that’s something.

I wish I could talk to them and see how their feeling. I miss them terribly. I know it’s ridiculous, but I dream about them quite often. I think about them multiple times daily. I guess maybe I just feel connected to them because of their age and life experiences. Maybe it’s something I’ve totally made up in my head, and really, they don’t care to have a relationship with us/me at all. But i do feel connected. I was a teen girl not all that long ago. I remember the feelings and hurts and confusion.

We wrote letters, but as far as i know, they haven’t gotten them yet. Here’s mine ::

Hello and Good Day to two of the most gorgeous, smart and spunky girls I know!

I hope this note finds you doing well. Today is the last day of school, so ‘m sure that’s the case! Hehe. I hope you have a ton of awesome plans for this summer – I know you’re visiting Kentucky at least once, and there will be tons of swimming when you’re home ‘m sure, and Busch Gardens since you have the passes! Anything else grand in the works? I do hope we get to see you at least once! I loved Florida – the beaches and the sun and, of course, all the photo ops! Maybe we can make a plan. We also plan on going to New York City for two or three days to check out the sites and we’d like to go camping around Corbin, Kentucky because there’s supposed to be a really cool waterfall with a moonbow (a rainbow caused by the moon) – it’s the only place in the US with one!

I talked to you mom over the weekend and she asked me why your father doesn’t call anymore. I wanted to clarify my answer and address this with you two as well, because sometimes my words get jumbled on the phone. Your father loves you to pieces. He really does. I understand you may not feel it, or you may be confused by it. He’s been pretty distant from you recently, and of course, left without saying goodbye. There was no excuse for that, but I did want to tell you how he explained it to me. He said he was hurt, and a little confused, by the way y’all interacted. He didn’t know what to say or do, and you didn’t reach out, either. What happened in November was a hurtful situation. It’s left him in a hard position (and me, too, obviously, but ‘m a little more willing to try to put it into words, i think)…in November, he was accused of being a stalker, and it’s still listed on your facebook profile, as ‘m sure you know. Your mom said it was because he moved too fast, because we scared y’all with thinking you’d be “shipped up here for the summer” or something of the like. I understand this – you barely knew him and didn’t know the rest of us. So now, he’s moving too slow. He doesn’t want you to think he’s a stalker. He doesn’t want you to think that he’s trying to force his way into your lives. He doesn’t even really know if you want him in your lives. It’s a hard balance to find.

I know it’s a lot to ask of you, but I believe you are capable and understanding. Please, please, please, be patient with him. He’s trying. And please, be patient with me, too, as I try to figure out my place (if there is any) in your lives. We truly love you more than you’ll ever know. I’ve included a letter your father wrote to you back in 2003 and a poem he wrote to you in the early 2000’s. He has and always will think of you and love you. These tokens may not be a lot of comfort, but I hope you see his true feelings in them.

I so so so look forward to seeing and hugging you again soon, you adorable miracle babies, you.

With love and laughs, your step-mommy Lauren


Hope they get it one day….

Excitedly expecting


Oh me oh my…we found out that we are once again pregnant! That makes for six babies all together! We have two boys, a baby girl and my gorgeous twin stepdaughters. One more boy and we’ll be the Brady bunch – one more girl and we have pairs, with two of each in our household. That makes for four spring babies and two winter…and four s’s and two j’s 🙂 i can’t wait!



I dreamt about them last night. It was kinda weird/funny.

We were grocery shopping in FL – Jason, the fam and I, the girls, Shannon, her family and her boyfriend. Shannon took her fam out to the van and Jason went out to Richard’s truck (he had driven it to FL) and I was there checking out with the kids and the girls. WHen I wasn’t looking, I lost the girls. I was freaking out, so I ran and left the kids at the van with Shannon staring at me in the passenger seat. I went back in and found them next to the yogurt. Sarie made them put down their yogurt, but when we were walking back out, Sarina grabbed a tub of vanilla icing and tried to walk out with it. Mike (shannon’s bf) walked in and said “lost the girls, huh?” and I was like “oh no, i knew where they were, just had to come back and get them…slight hiccup” and he said “that’s what happened last time, too”. then we walked out to the van but it was full of the other kids. so i was like “so shannon, do you want me to drive the girls in the truck?” and she said “yeah, you’ll all fit” but the girls didnt really wanna go. they just kinda stared at me. i put my hand out to Sarina..


and then I woke up. I miss them! I love them. I hope they’re doing alright. And I hope we get to see them this summer. ❤



Why can’t she be anything besides exactly like her mother?

I love them. I really do. It hurts my heart to hear them. The idea tugs at my heart. I become depressed thinking about the situation as it stands. But dear lord.

She called today (with her friend) and asked for money. Like, first thing. “At least $150 dollars…for early school clothes.” And then she said she loved me. Like, damn. Seriously? That may of seemed smooth, but that hurt. Manipulation, plain and simple. Do you think I’m stupid? Or that easy?

I do really want a really want a relationship with my stepdaughters. I’ve wanted that since before I knew them. I carried their picture of me after I met Jason. I freakin’ added them to my tattoo. I love them. And that makes it 100X harder when they do this shit to me. It was pointed. Decided. They called my cell phone – not their fathers. I’m an easy target and I wear my heart on my sleeve. And she saw it – one of them. And either it was a planned attack from her mother, or it was a planned attack from her…

The trip was fun. I was so glad to finally meet them. Hug them. It felt like I still had a chance to mean something to them. Jason felt so depressed and angry that we left early – they wouldn’t even look at him, let alone hug him. I didn’t even realize until we left. I suck. But they liked me – right? Well, obviously not.

I don’t freakin’ know. Sarina didn’t call. She hasn’t called. In all these calls it’s always been Sarie to make the move. What do I do about it? Leave one to flounder because of the other? Is she floundering? I just wish i knew what they wanted. Just money? Fine – disconnect from them emotionally and send them money. Help? Fight like it’s for life.

Wish I knew. Wish they really did love me. = /

P.S. – SHE HAD DRUGS IN HER NOSE! The first time she’s meeting me – a potentially important person in her life – and she can’t even clean herself up. Damn.